searching

east, west,

now north and south.

what do I have to tell you?

it's an endless search that ends in tears,

sometimes all I can see are fears.

but what do I have to do except claim,

that I don't know what to do

this is it

I'm to blame.

I meant to find the reason for my thoughts, 

but instead I found the purpose 

for my life.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

life with God is not immunity to difficulties,
but peace in difficulties.
-C.S Lewis | via

experience the pain [freedom]

"fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety" 

these words are from tyler joseph, 

(singer and songwriter for twenty one pilots).

and I feel they are the best description of my mental state lately.

via

summer was chaotic, to say the least. 

I will admit part of me thrived on the chaos, being busy 

going going

going.

but pushing my body and mind to it's limits took it's toll

when I returned to a "normal schedule" and things 

slowed down (keep in mind that's a relative phrase)

my mind starting spilling and 

overflowing

with everything I had pushed aside for months.

change was happening daily, 

and my mind was in a constant agitated state,

unconscious that I was scared of all the change. 

but I continued to push it down.

aside.

anywhere but my daily brain.

close to 2 years of depression doesn't leave you the same.

one thing it left me with was a fear of slipping back into depression. 

"fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety"

so yes, I avoided depression but comfortably slipped into anxiety 

anxiety is different than depression. 

depression leaves you listless,

your thoughts are negative and heavy;

weighing on your mind like a mighty burden never to be explained.

anxiety, however, is the agitated state I mentioned earlier.

it's like your thoughts are running a mile a minute with no end goal.

instead of one thought controlling your state of mind,

it's a thousand worried thoughts,

competing for your attention. 

your mind feels like it was struck by a lightening bolt and 

is still running on the energy left behind.

but then God revealed to me that I was trying to control the situations.

I was holding on with white knuckles claiming,

"NO, you cannot change, I am in control here"

(try telling that to a thousand anxious thoughts, it's exhausting)

but I'm not. I never was, and I never will be.

He is. forever and always.

that was a week ago. it was a big break through because it revealed the bottom line:

fear.

I was scared of change, of not being in control. 

so I released my grip and asked God for forgiveness for trying to usurp Him.

but that didn't stop the fear of depression.

and it built up with fear of life, 

of expectations, 

of the future,

the present,

it all became too much. 

and I thought about why my highschool years felt different, mentally.

something was missing.

and God revealed my second issue: feeling.

I've been so busy, and pushing aside the anxiety,

that I haven't let myself experience the painful anxiety fully.

that sounds like it would make it worse, but believe me it doesn't.

if you let yourself fully experience there's a better chance you can move on.

it penetrates your soul, 

soaks your heart, 

then becomes a memory.

one that was difficult, and painful in the moment,

but one that shaped you and made you

who you are.

<3 ashly

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever
psalm 73:26 | via 

bleeding [living] red

blood 

is the powerful liquid

that courses through our bodies.

we say without it we wouldn't be alive,

and perhaps that's why I love the color red so much. 

it means life. 

it's bold and unforgiving in being 

itself.

it doesn't worry about what it should be,

or if it looks good as other colors,

it just is.

fearlessly being the color that some people

hate

and other's

love.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I can't think of any better representation of beauty than
someone who is unafraid to be herself.
-Emma Stone | via

that someday - is now

this is the day that we talked about for 

so long.

these are the moments that we would dream about and plan

so thoughtfully.

I wonder what my 15 year old self would think

of 19 year old me. 

she would probably be impressed, perhaps jealous.

she would probably think that she has no problems, 

that she's healthy and never has bad days.

but it couldn't be farther from the truth.

yes, 19 me is in a much better place mentally;

and she's fulfilling one dream after another,

but she still has bad days.

she still trips and falls and has questions that never seem to have 

answers.

she still stays up late and thinks deep thoughts.

she still cries on a dime and finds faults with herself.

and you know what?

I'm fine with that.

I'm happy. happier than I've ever been.

because with every struggle there's a blessing to count.

and with every unanswered question, late night, and bad day,

there's my God welcomes me with open arms.

I want to live for what I've been given.

I don't want to perpetually live in the future wishing I could see what it holds.

I want to live in the now, where I'm happy and thriving.

because young me would be excited to someday reach the stage 

I'm in now. 

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

but it was Jesus who taught me there was
nothing I could really lose if I had Him
-unknown | via

ashes & angst

what have we here?

teenage angst?

just when we thought it was over.

but perhaps I don't want it to be over.

as painful as it can be, 

I always learn from it.

with each little [big] lesson I learn,

a part of me dies;

and in place of it, a new part grows.

like a beautiful daisy amongst the 

ashes.

and each year I look back and see how each part of me

has changed,

flower by flower,

into a new person.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

it hurt because it mattered
-john green | via

faithful old friend

hello little blog,

I've missed talking to you.

you used to be my constant companion.

through every heartache,

every revelation,

you were here:

waiting.

you let me scribble my words across your white pages,

not asking for an explanation 

or telling me I was overthinking it.

I could be honest with you,

because there was no fear in what your response would be:

it was forever and always a comforting silence.

that silence got me through a lot.

no matter what was on my heart I could spill it all, 

and end up at the feet of my Savior.

His peaceful embrace that followed was what made it 

worth it.

I get a little choked up seeing how far I've come.

I no longer come to you with tears and confusion,

but with joy and excitement.

I'll never forget how you let me see the Light in life

by simply being 

silent.

I hope you'll let me continue to use you for my thoughts,

to work them out and always,

forever,

be led back to Jesus.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

focus on Jesus. love others. speak hope.
-unknown | via

love

give me love in all its glory,

a glorious love.

but at the end of the day,

at the end of my life,

give me an honest love.

one that is simple,

but complicated. 

one that radiates love for Christ.

one that is content with being common

and plain,

yet in the end 

outshines the rest. 

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

'we rise by lifting others'
unknown | via

awkwardly raw

I appreciate rawness.

raw art,

raw emotion,

raw passion.

But while that's all nice and well,

it's one thing to say it and another

to actually appreciate it.

I've learned over the past year that there are times when rawness is painful;

when it's not easy to love and even harder to appreciate.

I catch myself turning a blind eye to things; considering them awkward instead of raw.

Which is true, awkwardness and rawness are often interchangeable.

We have to choose to view them as raw and beautiful instead of awkward and ugly.

The reason I'm going on this tangent is because I recently attempted a podcast.

"attempted" is the key word here.

I've had a lot of thoughts lately on the subject of body image and self-love,

especially after having a conversation with a friend on these topics,

and I wanted to write a blog post about it.

However, I've been swamped with the life of work and college and I haven't had a moments chance to write it all down.

Cue the podcast.

One time on the drive home I turned on the podcast recording and just started talking.

It's awkward, it's raw.

There's no music, no smooth introduction or thought-out plan of attack. There are awkward silences as I turn the corner, you can hear my blinker, and I probably lost my train of thought at one point.

It's just me talking in the dark about something that's been on my mind.

I debated for a long time whether I should share it or not.

I thought maybe I should re-record it; maybe I should try fixing it up with cuts and music.

But then I told myself "no"

I've striven so many times for things be "perfectly raw"

that maybe it's time for "awkwardly raw"

So here's my podcast,

cringe if you may, but know

it comes from my heart.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Don't believe in your strength, believe in His strength."
-Eva | via

at dusk

my favorite evenings are the ones with 

ombre pink skies that whisper farewell to the busy streets.

the ones that light up the clouds with a soft glow

making them look like cotton candy

purple and pink

drifting slowly across the sky.

the ones that fill the valleys with a fog that

gently wraps the the earth in it's blanket.

the ones that sends the sun to bed with a song

that sings of lovers quiet conversations.

the ones that call the stars out early,

to shine brightly in the the still lit sky,

pink and dusky though it may be. 

my favorite evenings are the ones that I am content;

quiet, happy, thinking of memories,

the sunset,

conversation,

and how darn beautiful the sky is.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

there is always music amongst the trees, and in the garden,
but our hearts must be still to hear it.
minnie aumonier | via

late night questions

how do people exist? 

I wonder at what goes on in their minds....

what lives in their thought life? 

what do they fear? 

what do they love? 

what do they think of humanity? 

of God's love?

do they love someone? 

does that person love them back?  

do they get lonely late at night? 

what happens when they have dark thoughts? 

do they cry? 

do they scream? 

do they talk to someone about it or bottle it all up inside?

it's these questions that I find intriguing. 

it's people that I find intriguing. 

but sometimes I feel like a bother. 

like talking to me means taking time out of the real conversations... 

one's the other person would rather be having. 

I talk a lot, I have a lot of opinions. 

I sometimes don't know what to say...

do they go away happy? 

are they glad they talked with me? 

do they feel like they've had a worthwhile conversation?

or is it just small talk until they can escape my eager conversation?

words

piled 

on 

words.

fears behind the mouth,

questions behind the eyes,

hungry for friendships,

for love,

in the simplest, 

most honest and innocent way possible.

vulnerability is a frightening thing, 

but when people ask you to open up 

it's freeing.

yet I tear myself down with these fears and doubts,

convincing myself that no one,

really

wants to talk with me.

how do I do that?

how do WE do that?

I know I'm not alone, 

I know that with a new year comes new fears,

but I also know that God is faithful to 

still those fears.

time and time again

He calms my mind and reassures 

me of the great love I've been blessed with.

both from Him

and from others.

if you're having doubts and fears,

promise me you won't forget that either.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

look for Christ and you will find Him.
and with Him, everything else
c.s lewis | via

silence recieved

i'm calling for you across this

static.

do you hear me?

over

and out. 

i never get a reply,

just static.

always static.

please, why 

why

why

why.

i know why, 

you know why,

you've moved on.

away from the radio

away from me.

but i still sit here, 

calling your name into the radio,

stating "over and out"

until the sun rises and i tell myself,

this dream has ended.

you should move on,

away,

too.

___

here's a sappy post for you guys.

I'm honestly not going through heartbreak, 

I just loved the idea of radio, static, and calling into the void

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Be human to the fullest"
-unknown | via

My Life | His Art

sometimes I sit in the dark,

listening to music,

and just feel the weight of my life.

all of the heartache, the joys, the moments,

the silence,

it has all made me who I am.

the story of my life weaved through singular strings,

every string different than the other.

every person that has come and gone,

whether their role a positive or negative impact,

is a part of the story.

and I can't be mad can I?

even if sometimes I feel like punching something,

from the pain they caused;

I can't change what they've done, 

I can only embrace it.

I can't raise any part of my life to a 

high level of importance; 

I can't praise to the heavens the people that had a positive impact;

or plummet to the ground those with negative results.

I can't say "a particular moment in my life" changed my life, 

or formed my life.

because moments,

people, 

they don't form your life. 

they take a part in what is your life,

but they can't change your life, 

or direct it in a particular direction.

only Jesus can do that.

He's the one, all these years,

that's been weaving my story,

allowing things to happen,

putting people in my life,

taking them out,

I am who I am today because of HIM

and not because of anything, 

or anyone, 

else.

while this hard to remember, 

and easy to forget,

it's true. 

and in moments like this,

sitting in dark,

I feel it. 

I feel the peace of having no control over my life,

of accepting the pain and the joys as a part of His plan,

and allowing Him to create what He will.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

God is love. He didn't need us, but he wanted us.
And that is the most amazing thing
-unkown | via

He alone

I scrape

I claw

I cut.

I struggle,

struggle

for freedom.

finally

I'm free,

but then realize

I'm not.

via

I feel like Eustace.

I've felt the suffocation of my skin,

as I realize how sinful I am.

I've struggled as I removed my skin so many times,

clawing it off my body, 

time and time again.

I've stepped out of it, feeling like a newborn creature

reveling in the breeze and the feeling of freedom.

I've danced and shouted as I looked to the future,

the future where I have no dead, sinful skin, hanging on me

weighing me down

causing me to stumble and fall

and injure myself.

I've run over to the pool of water,

in excitement,

to gaze at the new me only to find

there it is.

the dead skin,

hanging on me like it has so many times before.

I failed 

again.

Just like Eustace, 

I've realized,

I could claw it off a thousand times over,

but Jesus is the one who can really [fully] cut it off.

Every night I ask Him to remove the skin,

because I can't;

and I'm exhausted from trying.

Let me collapse into your waiting arms,

Dear Savior,

You are the only One that gives me 

real peace.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  

He alone is sufficient. He alone satisfies. He alone sustains.
unknown | via

Falling in Love with Life

I spent my life waiting for it to begin.

Thinking I wasn't really living until I went traveling, 

or made great things, or had a life "worth" telling about.

The longer I waited, the more discontent I became; 

I compared my life, my activities, and art to those of other 

and in the process destroyed myself

and my happiness.

It took the removal of happiness and the barren wasteland of what appeared to be my life, 

before I cried out and clung to the last thing that stood tall: Jesus Christ

He taught me that being truly alive does not come through have a fascinating, 

complicated life worth telling about, it comes through the little things. 

It comes through:

serving others

tea

music

sunshine

making art

encouraging others

writing

waking up early 

reading His word 

learning

being human

smiling 

playing piano

working hard 

family

plants

Sundays

the earth 

reading books

making plans/goals

salvation from Him

the earth

silence 

In Ecclesiastes, Solomon says: 

"Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting; 

to eat, to drink, and to enjoy oneself in all one's labor in which 

he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which 

God has given him; for this is his reward."

[5:18] 

I used to be slightly confused by this statement. 

I understood Solomon's claim that "The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: 

fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to ever person", 

but when he says to basically "eat, drink and be merry" it seemed a little shallow. 

But as he goes over everything he's basically pointing out:

"hey, stop worrying about money, stop worrying about your life 

(who knows what will happen with your stuff/life after you die), and just

ENJOY IT.

And now, I understand that; I see his point. 

It was through real life experience and the process of the Holy Spirit 

working in my life that I learned that same truth.

How amazing it is that God's word is alive and active and how, as we live our lives, 

we see it's truths come to light in ways we never thought we would.  

So I beg you, dwell on these verses

[ecc. 5:18 + 12:13]

and realize that you do not need to rise to any standard society sets.

Your life is yours and God's, and that is it. 

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I hope there are days when you fall in love with being alive
-unknown | via

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

| Be who you needed when you were younger |

| unkown |

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, 

then you may know that I struggled with depression, doubt, 

unanswered questions, and fear a lot during 2014-2015.

While people say you can tell them anything and reassure you that they're there for you,

there's something about depression (or whatever you prefer to call it)

that clamps your mouth shut.

That whispers no one cares, no one will understand,

that it would be better to keep it bottled up inside 

{where it can infect the mind}

I know that feeling,

That feeling of suffocation,

exasperation, 

and fear.

I've heard that sick, hot, whisper in your ear.

And I've listened to it.

But I'm here to ask you,

to beg you:

DO NOT 

LISTEN

DO NOT 

OBEY

It's a liar, its a cheat, 

it's a ghost inside your head,

and it should have no,

I repeat, 

NO,

control over you.

||

I started this post with a quote,

a quote that I have often gone back to in the 

past year. In those days, nights, months of dark thoughts I would have loved 

to have some one who just walked up and say 

"I know what you're going through and here's the solution."

But life doesn't work that way, no one can see past the masks you wear, 

and no one has the perfect solution.

{Except Christ. He always see's past your mask,

and friend,

He is the solution}

So maybe life real life doesn't work out so smoothly.

Maybe it's not so simple to walk up to someone and tell them you've 

waged wars in your head as well; that no, you're not alone. |-/

However, in the last 2 years, I have discovered how amazingly 

encouraging blogging can be.  

Its sometimes frightening to be vulnerable and write a post about the 

dark thoughts one struggles with, but then. 

Then.

You realize you're not alone.

People comment with "This is so relatable!"

"I know exactly what you mean"

or even better,

"Thank you for this blog post it was so encouraging"

"This made my day brighter"

"Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone."

These comments are why I blog. It's my purpose for all of this,

its the reason I continue to post such "strange" posts.

Because while they're strange to some people, 

there are other's who I KNOW need to hear it.

I'm not just speaking into the empty space, 

I'm spilling my fears to friends. 

The response to my last blog post blew me away. 

It was a small journal entry I had jotted down weeks earlier, 

and decided to share with the blogging community.

The comments just make me want to cry. 

The post was SO SHORT, 

but people loved it, and related to it, and it reminded them how important 

it is to watch what you're feeding your mind.

If you were one of those people who commented:

THANK YOU

bless you darlings. 

{after I finish this post I'm going to go reply to all the 

comments, so be sure to go back and read them}

||

Kate from The Goodness Revolt  has also seen the power of blogging, 

and for years has been writing blog posts that encourage so many young people.

Recently she has started to explore the concept of bringing bloggers together into one blog.

And she has succeed in bringing to life this blog; a blog that is everything 

you needed when you were younger.

Burning Youth 

It is the gentle voice telling you:

you're not alone

you are loved 

YOU ARE WORTH IT

_

It's amazing what happens when we come together,

what we can accomplish with Jesus as our Captain.

Be sure to visit Burning Youth and check out the amazing gals and their posts!

Stay Alive |-/

-Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I hope there are days when you fall in love with being alive.
-unkown | via

Don't Let Them In

Tell me,

what do you tell yourself 

at night?

When the barriers disappear,

in the evening light,

and all of your fears 

f l o o d

into sight?

What untruths, lies, deception + fraud do 

you feed your 

mind to

F I G H T?

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.
-Colossians 3:15 | via

It's in us.

Pride leads to every other vice: 

it is the complete anti-God state of mind.

| c.s lewis |

What is this disease? 

This deadly, silent sin that sits like lord of the underworld,

laughing at us.

We scurry around the surface 

plucking at the weeds,

thinking that selfishness, fear, cruelty, anger, 

[my friend, the list goes on]

thinking these all begin and end,

with no relation to each other.

Oh yes,

we think we know the problem, 

we think we know the fix,

but when someone says, 

"perhaps its pride"

we lash out in annoyance 

saying,

"oh it's not me, it's just _____".

There's always something else to blame it on, 

someone else to point at,

but we never turn the finger to our chest 

to reveal,

it is only us.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love,
or contentment, or even common sense.
 C.S Lewis | via

Alive in Him | Alive for Him

Do not waste your time on simply thinking,

But live it with actions coloring your life.

It is not for futile that we are here on this earth, for God has saved us for a reason.

To live for Him,

To be really alive.

-

"And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, 

in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world....

...But God, being rich in mercy, 

because of His great love with which He loved us, 

even when we were dead in our transgressions, 

made us alive together with Christ, 

(by grace you have been saved)"

Ephesians 2:1-5

A reminder for you... and for me :)

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remember that you do not ever look into the eyes
of someone whom God does not love
-unkown | via

Act Now

 Blood

boils,

long

and lasting.

Sun

glares,

harsh

and burning.

The chin tilts up,

the spirit of determination 

dancing,

in her eyes.

We think the past defines who we are;

we think the future defines who we are;

but neither do.

The actions fueled by our burning blood,

by the beating sun,

those are what define us.

Our actions, our responses, 

our interactions, 

the here,

the now,

they define us.

Who are you right now?

<3 Eva 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Life is too deep for words,
so don't try to describe it, just live it.
C.s Lewis | via Pinterest 

Summer's Night

I love you and oh,

what are we going to do?

I think I'm lost in this star gazing galaxy,

swinging your hand like we're idiots in love.

Oh but we are,

yes, forever lost in this galaxy we've created;

Waiting for the hush of the night to end, 

and the hush of the morning to start. 

Because we've been laying here staring at the stars,

and into your eyes,

the whole night long.

Oh yes, 

we're idiots in love,

with sappy sonnets and sarcastic quips that would make a sane man sick,

but we're not sane, we're mad;

mad with love for each other,

the stars,

and The One who made both. 

-

No, I am not in love.
But who said you can't write about it?

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Laugh until we think we'll die,
barefoot on a summers night.
Unknown | via