experience the pain [freedom]

"fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety" 

these words are from tyler joseph, 

(singer and songwriter for twenty one pilots).

and I feel they are the best description of my mental state lately.

via

summer was chaotic, to say the least. 

I will admit part of me thrived on the chaos, being busy 

going going

going.

but pushing my body and mind to it's limits took it's toll

when I returned to a "normal schedule" and things 

slowed down (keep in mind that's a relative phrase)

my mind starting spilling and 

overflowing

with everything I had pushed aside for months.

change was happening daily, 

and my mind was in a constant agitated state,

unconscious that I was scared of all the change. 

but I continued to push it down.

aside.

anywhere but my daily brain.

close to 2 years of depression doesn't leave you the same.

one thing it left me with was a fear of slipping back into depression. 

"fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety"

so yes, I avoided depression but comfortably slipped into anxiety 

anxiety is different than depression. 

depression leaves you listless,

your thoughts are negative and heavy;

weighing on your mind like a mighty burden never to be explained.

anxiety, however, is the agitated state I mentioned earlier.

it's like your thoughts are running a mile a minute with no end goal.

instead of one thought controlling your state of mind,

it's a thousand worried thoughts,

competing for your attention. 

your mind feels like it was struck by a lightening bolt and 

is still running on the energy left behind.

but then God revealed to me that I was trying to control the situations.

I was holding on with white knuckles claiming,

"NO, you cannot change, I am in control here"

(try telling that to a thousand anxious thoughts, it's exhausting)

but I'm not. I never was, and I never will be.

He is. forever and always.

that was a week ago. it was a big break through because it revealed the bottom line:

fear.

I was scared of change, of not being in control. 

so I released my grip and asked God for forgiveness for trying to usurp Him.

but that didn't stop the fear of depression.

and it built up with fear of life, 

of expectations, 

of the future,

the present,

it all became too much. 

and I thought about why my highschool years felt different, mentally.

something was missing.

and God revealed my second issue: feeling.

I've been so busy, and pushing aside the anxiety,

that I haven't let myself experience the painful anxiety fully.

that sounds like it would make it worse, but believe me it doesn't.

if you let yourself fully experience there's a better chance you can move on.

it penetrates your soul, 

soaks your heart, 

then becomes a memory.

one that was difficult, and painful in the moment,

but one that shaped you and made you

who you are.

<3 ashly

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my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever
psalm 73:26 | via