Friday, December 30, 2016

at dusk

my favorite evenings are the ones with 

ombre pink skies that whisper farewell to the busy streets.

the ones that light up the clouds with a soft glow

making them look like cotton candy

purple and pink

drifting slowly across the sky.

the ones that fill the valleys with a fog that

gently wraps the the earth in it's blanket.

the ones that sends the sun to bed with a song

that sings of lovers quiet conversations.

the ones that call the stars out early,

to shine brightly in the the still lit sky,

pink and dusky though it may be. 

my favorite evenings are the ones that I am content;

quiet, happy, thinking of memories,

the sunset,

conversation,

and how darn beautiful the sky is.

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
there is always music amongst the trees, and in the garden,
but our hearts must be still to hear it.
minnie aumonier | via

Saturday, December 24, 2016

late night questions

how do people exist? 
I wonder at what goes on in their minds....

what lives in their thought life? 
what do they fear? 
what do they love? 
what do they think of humanity? 
of God's love?

do they love someone? 
does that person love them back?  
do they get lonely late at night? 
what happens when they have dark thoughts? 
do they cry? 
do they scream? 
do they talk to someone about it or bottle it all up inside?

it's these questions that I find intriguing. 
it's people that I find intriguing. 

but sometimes I feel like a bother. 
like talking to me means taking time out of the real conversations... 
one's the other person would rather be having. 

I talk a lot, I have a lot of opinions. 
I sometimes don't know what to say...

do they go away happy? 
are they glad they talked with me? 
do they feel like they've had a worthwhile conversation?
or is it just small talk until they can escape my eager conversation?

words

piled 

on 

words.

fears behind the mouth,

questions behind the eyes,

hungry for friendships,

for love,

in the simplest, 

most honest and innocent way possible.

vulnerability is a frightening thing, 

but when people ask you to open up 

it's freeing.

yet I tear myself down with these fears and doubts,

convincing myself that no one,

really

wants to talk with me.

how do I do that?

how do WE do that?

I know I'm not alone, 
I know that with a new year comes new fears,
but I also know that God is faithful to 

still those fears.

time and time again
He calms my mind and reassures 
me of the great love I've been blessed with.

both from Him
and from others.

if you're having doubts and fears,
promise me you won't forget that either.

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
look for Christ and you will find Him.
and with Him, everything else
c.s lewis | via

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

silence recieved

i'm calling for you across this

static.

do you hear me?

over

and out. 

i never get a reply,

just static.

always static.

please, why 

why
why
why.

i know why, 

you know why,

you've moved on.

away from the radio

away from me.

but i still sit here, 

calling your name into the radio,

stating "over and out"

until the sun rises and i tell myself,

this dream has ended.

you should move on,

away,

too.

___

here's a sappy post for you guys.
I'm honestly not going through heartbreak, 
I just loved the idea of radio, static, and calling into the void

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Be human to the fullest"
-unknown | via

Friday, October 28, 2016

My Life | His Art

sometimes I sit in the dark,

listening to music,

and just feel the weight of my life.

all of the heartache, the joys, the moments,

the silence,

it has all made me who I am.

the story of my life weaved through singular strings,

every string different than the other.

every person that has come and gone,

whether their role a positive or negative impact,

is a part of the story.

and I can't be mad can I?

even if sometimes I feel like punching something,

from the pain they caused;

I can't change what they've done, 

I can only embrace it.

I can't raise any part of my life to a 

high level of importance; 

I can't praise to the heavens the people that had a positive impact;

or plummet to the ground those with negative results.

I can't say "a particular moment in my life" changed my life, 

or formed my life.

because moments,

people, 

they don't form your life. 

they take a part in what is your life,

but they can't change your life, 

or direct it in a particular direction.

only Jesus can do that.

He's the one, all these years,

that's been weaving my story,

allowing things to happen,

putting people in my life,

taking them out,

I am who I am today because of HIM

and not because of anything, 

or anyone, 

else.

while this hard to remember, 

and easy to forget,

it's true. 

and in moments like this,

sitting in dark,

I feel it. 

I feel the peace of having no control over my life,

of accepting the pain and the joys as a part of His plan,

and allowing Him to create what He will.

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
God is love. He didn't need us, but he wanted us.
And that is the most amazing thing
-unkown | via

Sunday, October 16, 2016

He alone

I scrape

I claw

I cut.

I struggle,

struggle

for freedom.

finally

I'm free,

but then realize

I'm not.

via
I feel like Eustace.

I've felt the suffocation of my skin,

as I realize how sinful I am.

I've struggled as I removed my skin so many times,

clawing it off my body, 

time and time again.

I've stepped out of it, feeling like a newborn creature

reveling in the breeze and the feeling of freedom.

I've danced and shouted as I looked to the future,

the future where I have no dead, sinful skin, hanging on me

weighing me down

causing me to stumble and fall

and injure myself.

I've run over to the pool of water,

in excitement,

to gaze at the new me only to find

there it is.

the dead skin,

hanging on me like it has so many times before.

I failed 

again.

Just like Eustace, 

I've realized,

I could claw it off a thousand times over,

but Jesus is the one who can really [fully] cut it off.

Every night I ask Him to remove the skin,

because I can't;

and I'm exhausted from trying.

Let me collapse into your waiting arms,

Dear Savior,

You are the only One that gives me 

real peace.

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
He alone is sufficient. He alone satisfies. He alone sustains.
unknown | via

Friday, September 23, 2016

Falling in Love with Life

I spent my life waiting for it to begin.
Thinking I wasn't really living until I went traveling, 
or made great things, or had a life "worth" telling about.
The longer I waited, the more discontent I became; 
I compared my life, my activities, and art to those of other 
and in the process destroyed myself

and my happiness.

It took the removal of happiness and the barren wasteland of what appeared to be my life, 
before I cried out and clung to the last thing that stood tall: Jesus Christ

He taught me that being truly alive does not come through have a fascinating, 
complicated life worth telling about, it comes through the little things. 

It comes through:

serving others
tea
music
sunshine
making art
encouraging others
writing
waking up early 
reading His word 
learning
being human
smiling 
playing piano
working hard 
family
plants
Sundays
the earth 
reading books
making plans/goals
salvation from Him
the earth
silence 

In Ecclesiastes, Solomon says: 

"Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting; 
to eat, to drink, and to enjoy oneself in all one's labor in which 
he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which 
God has given him; for this is his reward."
[5:18] 

I used to be slightly confused by this statement. 
I understood Solomon's claim that "The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: 
fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to ever person", 
but when he says to basically "eat, drink and be merry" it seemed a little shallow. 
But as he goes over everything he's basically pointing out:
"hey, stop worrying about money, stop worrying about your life 
(who knows what will happen with your stuff/life after you die), and just
ENJOY IT.
And now, I understand that; I see his point. 
It was through real life experience and the process of the Holy Spirit 
working in my life that I learned that same truth.

How amazing it is that God's word is alive and active and how, as we live our lives, 
we see it's truths come to light in ways we never thought we would.  

So I beg you, dwell on these verses
[ecc. 5:18 + 12:13]
and realize that you do not need to rise to any standard society sets.
Your life is yours and God's, and that is it. 

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I hope there are days when you fall in love with being alive
-unknown | via

Thursday, September 1, 2016

YOU'RE NOT ALONE

| Be who you needed when you were younger |
| unkown |

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, 
then you may know that I struggled with depression, doubt, 
unanswered questions, and fear a lot during 2014-2015.

While people say you can tell them anything and reassure you that they're there for you,
there's something about depression (or whatever you prefer to call it)
that clamps your mouth shut.

That whispers no one cares, no one will understand,
that it would be better to keep it bottled up inside 

{where it can infect the mind}

I know that feeling,
That feeling of suffocation,
exasperation, 
and fear.

I've heard that sick, hot, whisper in your ear.
And I've listened to it.

But I'm here to ask you,

to beg you:

DO NOT 
LISTEN

DO NOT 
OBEY

It's a liar, its a cheat, 
it's a ghost inside your head,
and it should have no,
I repeat, 
NO,
control over you.
||
I started this post with a quote,
a quote that I have often gone back to in the 
past year. In those days, nights, months of dark thoughts I would have loved 
to have some one who just walked up and say 
"I know what you're going through and here's the solution."

But life doesn't work that way, no one can see past the masks you wear, 
and no one has the perfect solution.

{Except Christ. He always see's past your mask,
and friend,
He is the solution}

So maybe life real life doesn't work out so smoothly.
Maybe it's not so simple to walk up to someone and tell them you've 
waged wars in your head as well; that no, you're not alone. |-/

However, in the last 2 years, I have discovered how amazingly 
encouraging blogging can be.  
Its sometimes frightening to be vulnerable and write a post about the 
dark thoughts one struggles with, but then. 
Then.
You realize you're not alone.

People comment with "This is so relatable!"
"I know exactly what you mean"
or even better,
"Thank you for this blog post it was so encouraging"
"This made my day brighter"
"Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone."

These comments are why I blog. It's my purpose for all of this,
its the reason I continue to post such "strange" posts.
Because while they're strange to some people, 
there are other's who I KNOW need to hear it.
I'm not just speaking into the empty space, 
I'm spilling my fears to friends. 

The response to my last blog post blew me away
It was a small journal entry I had jotted down weeks earlier, 
and decided to share with the blogging community.
The comments just make me want to cry. 
The post was SO SHORT, 
but people loved it, and related to it, and it reminded them how important 
it is to watch what you're feeding your mind.

If you were one of those people who commented:

THANK YOU
bless you darlings. 
{after I finish this post I'm going to go reply to all the 
comments, so be sure to go back and read them}

||

Kate from The Goodness Revolt  has also seen the power of blogging, 
and for years has been writing blog posts that encourage so many young people.
Recently she has started to explore the concept of bringing bloggers together into one blog.
And she has succeed in bringing to life this blog; a blog that is everything 
you needed when you were younger.


It is the gentle voice telling you:

you're not alone

you are loved 

YOU ARE WORTH IT
_

It's amazing what happens when we come together,
what we can accomplish with Jesus as our Captain.

Be sure to visit Burning Youth and check out the amazing gals and their posts!

Stay Alive |-/

-Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I hope there are days when you fall in love with being alive.
-unkown | via

Monday, August 15, 2016

Don't Let Them In

Tell me,

what do you tell yourself 

at night?

When the barriers disappear,

in the evening light,

and all of your fears 

f l o o d

into sight?

What untruths, lies, deception + fraud do 
you feed your 
mind to
F I G H T?

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.
-Colossians 3:15 | via

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

It's in us.

Pride leads to every other vice: 
it is the complete anti-God state of mind.
| c.s lewis |

What is this disease? 

This deadly, silent sin that sits like lord of the underworld,

laughing at us.

We scurry around the surface 

plucking at the weeds,

thinking that selfishness, fear, cruelty, anger, 

[my friend, the list goes on]

thinking these all begin and end,

with no relation to each other.
Oh yes,

we think we know the problem, 

we think we know the fix,

but when someone says, 

"perhaps its pride"

we lash out in annoyance 

saying,

"oh it's not me, it's just _____".

There's always something else to blame it on, 

someone else to point at,

but we never turn the finger to our chest 

to reveal,

it is only us.

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love,
or contentment, or even common sense.

 C.S Lewis | via

Friday, July 8, 2016

Alive in Him | Alive for Him

Do not waste your time on simply thinking,

But live it with actions coloring your life.

It is not for futile that we are here on this earth, for God has saved us for a reason.

To live for Him,

To be really alive.
-
"And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, 
in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world....
...But God, being rich in mercy, 
because of His great love with which He loved us, 
even when we were dead in our transgressions, 
made us alive together with Christ, 
(by grace you have been saved)"
Ephesians 2:1-5

A reminder for you... and for me :)

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Remember that you do not ever look into the eyes
of someone whom God does not love

-unkown | via

Monday, June 6, 2016

Act Now

 Blood
boils,
long
and lasting.

Sun
glares,
harsh
and burning.

The chin tilts up,
the spirit of determination 
dancing,
in her eyes.

We think the past defines who we are;
we think the future defines who we are;
but neither do.

The actions fueled by our burning blood,
by the beating sun,
those are what define us.

Our actions, our responses, 
our interactions, 

the here,

the now,

they define us.

Who are you right now?

<3 Eva 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Life is too deep for words,
so don't try to describe it, just live it.
C.s Lewis | via Pinterest 

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Summer's Night

I love you and oh,

what are we going to do?

I think I'm lost in this star gazing galaxy,

swinging your hand like we're idiots in love.

Oh but we are,

yes, forever lost in this galaxy we've created;

Waiting for the hush of the night to end, 

and the hush of the morning to start. 

Because we've been laying here staring at the stars,

and into your eyes,

the whole night long.

Oh yes, 

we're idiots in love,

with sappy sonnets and sarcastic quips that would make a sane man sick,

but we're not sane, we're mad;

mad with love for each other,

the stars,

and The One who made both. 

-

No, I am not in love.
But who said you can't write about it?

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Laugh until we think we'll die,
barefoot on a summers night.

Unknown | via

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Embrace It

And then the foreboding creature took form.

It was not a monster to be feared with trembling and shying of eyes,

but embraced with the warmth of a dear friend waiting for you to arrive.

It had been wanting to show you things,

to take you on adventures,

and teach you lessons close to Its heart.

You would grow close in mind and close 

in years until you would laugh at your old self 

saying,

"I use to fear it, you know,

I used to fear The Future"


<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Things change, people change,
but God remains.
Unknown | via

Monday, May 30, 2016

A Moment

  

I love a life that is full of sunshine, 

of smiles and laughter from the ones that somehow

drive you crazy with annoyance and love,

at the same time.

I love a life full of memories;

like sitting on the roof reading while gazing at your

childhood playground.

  
And trees that reach for the sky, 

taller than the house upon which you sit.

I love hushed afternoons with soft sunlight,

spotify playlists,

and yes, even  math.

  
I'm thankful for a pause in this busy life

to appreciate our beautiful, 

crazy world.

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
P.s I want to thank those of you who left such encouraging comments 
on my frustrated post back in April. They inspired me to keep going though 
I seemed to have lost my momentum. So again, thank you! <3 
If we're not hungry for Christ,
we're probably to full of ourselves.
-unknown | via

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Untitled

Life is an endless equation:

There are countless variables 

and numerous answers.

Sometimes I have too many questions,

and other times

not enough.

We romanticize pain + suffering

and hate heartbreak.

We love the sound of the shatter,

but loathe the wound of the broken glass.

___________

A disjointed diary entry from 
5-17-16

-Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   
Where sin runs,
His Love runs deeper.
-unknown | via

Friday, April 15, 2016

Peace Will Win // Fear Will Lose

I don't know what I want to say.

That is the harsh truth.

I have so much on my heart right now. I don't even know how to/what to share. It just weighs on my heart.

I think about my readers, I think about the community. What would they think of ____? Should I write that? Would it be deserving? Would it sound like a teenager's stupid opinion?

I don't even know. I hate pressure. I feel that I've create pressure for myself with this new direction. I use to be able to hide behind my cryptic poetry, it was comforting and I found relief in it. If someone wanted to know what it meant, they could come talk to me. 

But this blank white page with its harsh openness scares me. I'm scared to say what I think for fear of ridicule, even if its in the best of ways. I'm scared of being wrong, scared of not being what I'm suppose to be. What is over-reacting and what is being myself? Where's the limit? Where's the line? Is there a line? How do I express myself when I don't even know what it is I want to express? 

This is a block. 
This is the harsh reality. This is the messy bits of life that social media doesn't show you. 
This is the perfect imperfection that people hide:

including myself.

-Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
There is no distraction to mask what is real.
TØP | via

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

We Have Our Heading!

This blog has been receiving a makeover; as I am sure you have observed.
I have been doing a lot for thinking about what I'm expecting from the next year of blogging; and have come to several conclusions.

i. 
I want it to be same as ever: a place where I express myself and thoughts weighing on my mind. Sometimes you just need to spill - not necessarily to anyone in particular, but to simply get it out of one's head.  

ii.
I want the opportunity to express myself in more conversational style. 
I have learned so much with my poetic non-poems, and I will never stop writing them. 
(indeed they will grace these pages again, do not fear) 
But sometimes I have topics that would do better with a more straightforward point of view.
That is one of the reasons I re-designed my blog: to make those conversational posts more natural.
(P.s I totally copied Olivia's design. I am not ashamed because her blog is beautiful and honest. 
Go check it out: Summer of 1999

iii.
I want to involve the readers more. I never thought I would have people who read and loved my writing so faithfully: but I do. And this year, I want it to be less about me and more about the community as we love Jesus together.

Perhaps this blog post is to remind myself of the changes I want to make, and perhaps it is to excite you about the changes that are coming.

Whichever one it is,
  I'm excited and look forward to the happenings of this blog in 2016. 

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I will sing praise to the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
Psalm 104:33 // via

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Revolving

Spinning, spinning, forever.

Blackness envelops me, I see nothing but stars.

There are others around me....

but they seem so far away.

I think, I hope that perhaps they are like me, that they might relate to me;

but when I look closer I find they cannot;

they are so very different than I.
_

I feel the heavy weight of responsibility,

resting on me, the lives of the people.

I see the brightness of my life, but there is always a part of me hidden.

Hidden in the dark, with only one friend for company: 

the friend who is more faithful than anyone I've ever met.
_

Sometimes I lose sight of why I do what I do,

I often feel that I work in circles, 

forever, 

forever and a day.

But I go forth, into the dark

continuing my mission.

For even if I don't know the reason,

I know there is one.
_

I am the Earth.

<3 Eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen.
Do not be afraid.

unknown // pinterest

Monday, March 7, 2016

// a list; what i've been up to //


READING

for once in my life i'm purposely reading two books at once; 
normally i avoid such a thing, but for some reason its getting slightly easier.

i. the pursuit of God; by a.w. tozer  
this book is incredible. it is an exploration of a Christian's relationship with God: 
not in the normal sense, but in the overwhelming, passion for God. 
its about cultivating the hunger that Christians have grown accustomed to stifling with shallow worship. 
this book has changed my outlook on a life of faith and on being a Child of God and i'm only halfway through it.

ii. mere christianity; by c.s lewis 
a book i've been meaning to read for a long time, as finally been made priority. 
to sum this book up in one phrase: it proves God without using the Bible. 

originally a radio talk during world war two, c.s lewis explores the human nature, and all the questions that seem to have a "just believe" answer. 
i'm only a third of the way through it so far, so i cannot give me full thoughts, but already i am blown away by the smartness of lewis.

i recently read animal farm and was intrigued by the simple horror of it all. 
the truths are so bare and apparent that it's no surprise it was, and is, a revolutionary book.

LISTENING

james bay. so much james bay.

i adore any music acoustic, 
it's my chill music that i can relax too will studying.  
and james bay is the king of chill. 
-his voice is perfect; 
-his melodies are unique; 
-his instruments are clean and cleverly used;
- his harmonies are somehow always on spot.
- and (speaking of harmonies) his background vocals are just flawless.
(okay maybe not flawless, but they're really good okay?)

i'm sorry for rambling, i'll just let you listen to my favorite of his right now:


we're you surprised i didn't say twenty one pilots? 
yeah sometimes physics and rap don't go together. 
its called alternatives, people.

THINKING

a lot of lord of the flies thoughts. 
thoughts and musings of the darkness of man's heart,
of the strength and terror of humanity. 

via from lord of the flies

i've been thinking about how i find exploring the hearts and flesh of humans extremely intriguing.
and how people don't get my love and interest for books like frankenstien and lord of the flies,  

when i expressed this to one friend she told me:
"you see beauty in the dark and sad things, not many people do."

and i think i just need to come to terms with that. 
most people don't stop me when i start talking {passionately} about these topics/books.
but they don't fully get it.

another friend, after listening to my frustration about how people avoid the dark subjects, about how they cover it up with smiles and fluff, kindly told me,

"they're scared. it's fear that makes them avoid the dark topics."

forgive me, humans, for wanting you to talk about the very thing you fear the most: yourself

<3 eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"men are not prisoners of fate, but prisoners of their own minds"
- franklin roosevelt | via

Saturday, February 20, 2016

// turn the page; part ii //

but sometimes letting go

is one of the most 

painful

saddening 

lonely

deeds,

you'll ever do. 

via

its like someone playing solemn chords on the piano,

while you watch a part of you drift into the abyss.

gone 

to live on 

only 

in your memories.

<3 eva 
- - - - - - - - - -
the sun will rise and we will try again
- twenty one pilots | via

Friday, February 19, 2016

// turn the page //

it is through experience that we learn

LIFE CHANGES IN A HEART BEAT.

one minute everything is like you've always known;

you love it, and you cling to this familiarity.

but then a new day dawns

and

between the rising and the setting of that sun,

things change.

a leaf turns in the wind, and you start a new chapter.

dreams fade; or turn into new ones.

moments turn into memories.

your priorities take on a new look

and you wonder what happened to the life you went to bed with

the night before.

how could the rising and the setting of the sun do so much?

how can you feel the gears in your brain moving, shifting, changing?

it's slightly terrifying, but in a way it's freeing.

like a weight is lifted off your shoulders and the worry of holding onto the past

IS GONE.

<3 eva
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
"i'm still learning"
-michelangelo, age 87 // via pinterest

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

// words of mine //

i bet you were all expecting a sappy sentimental post about the new year, weren't you?

about the death of 2015 and the birth of 2016, the year of opportunities...

yeah, well that previous sentence is the closest we're going to get. ;)

so be thankful.

{unless of course you don't like posts like that. in which case... be thankful}

the reason for the lack of posts is due to other projects such as:

i. school + piano 
ii. my magazine
iii. life

here's a list of things i have discovered since the dawn of the new age:

I. everything in life has a rhythm

II. florence + the machine
i'm not sure why i like her yet, 
i just do.

III. senior year is inspiring as heck

IV. senior year is busy as heck

V. if you make time for something, amazing progress can be made.

VI. while change is exciting it can also be frightening and intimidating.

VII. learning to drive is fun <3

VIII. i love lists and twenty-one pilots.
oh wait. that's not new

IX. a lot, and i mean a lot, can happen in a year.

X. christmas kind of makes me broke?
i think i need to stop finding such expensive gifts.

XII. right when you think you've got everything planned perfectly,
God shows you He's the one who plans your life. He's in control, not me.

XIII. i love discovering new music, books, friends, routines.
little changes such as those give everyday life a fresh perk.


i don't even know what this post is.
but its been too long since i've typed out words on this blog.

stay alive, my friends |-/

-eva
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"we're all so desperate to be understood,
we forget to be understanding."
-unknown | via