searching

east, west,

now north and south.

what do I have to tell you?

it's an endless search that ends in tears,

sometimes all I can see are fears.

but what do I have to do except claim,

that I don't know what to do

this is it

I'm to blame.

I meant to find the reason for my thoughts, 

but instead I found the purpose 

for my life.

<3 Eva

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life with God is not immunity to difficulties,
but peace in difficulties.
-C.S Lewis | via

experience the pain [freedom]

"fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety" 

these words are from tyler joseph, 

(singer and songwriter for twenty one pilots).

and I feel they are the best description of my mental state lately.

via

summer was chaotic, to say the least. 

I will admit part of me thrived on the chaos, being busy 

going going

going.

but pushing my body and mind to it's limits took it's toll

when I returned to a "normal schedule" and things 

slowed down (keep in mind that's a relative phrase)

my mind starting spilling and 

overflowing

with everything I had pushed aside for months.

change was happening daily, 

and my mind was in a constant agitated state,

unconscious that I was scared of all the change. 

but I continued to push it down.

aside.

anywhere but my daily brain.

close to 2 years of depression doesn't leave you the same.

one thing it left me with was a fear of slipping back into depression. 

"fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety"

so yes, I avoided depression but comfortably slipped into anxiety 

anxiety is different than depression. 

depression leaves you listless,

your thoughts are negative and heavy;

weighing on your mind like a mighty burden never to be explained.

anxiety, however, is the agitated state I mentioned earlier.

it's like your thoughts are running a mile a minute with no end goal.

instead of one thought controlling your state of mind,

it's a thousand worried thoughts,

competing for your attention. 

your mind feels like it was struck by a lightening bolt and 

is still running on the energy left behind.

but then God revealed to me that I was trying to control the situations.

I was holding on with white knuckles claiming,

"NO, you cannot change, I am in control here"

(try telling that to a thousand anxious thoughts, it's exhausting)

but I'm not. I never was, and I never will be.

He is. forever and always.

that was a week ago. it was a big break through because it revealed the bottom line:

fear.

I was scared of change, of not being in control. 

so I released my grip and asked God for forgiveness for trying to usurp Him.

but that didn't stop the fear of depression.

and it built up with fear of life, 

of expectations, 

of the future,

the present,

it all became too much. 

and I thought about why my highschool years felt different, mentally.

something was missing.

and God revealed my second issue: feeling.

I've been so busy, and pushing aside the anxiety,

that I haven't let myself experience the painful anxiety fully.

that sounds like it would make it worse, but believe me it doesn't.

if you let yourself fully experience there's a better chance you can move on.

it penetrates your soul, 

soaks your heart, 

then becomes a memory.

one that was difficult, and painful in the moment,

but one that shaped you and made you

who you are.

<3 ashly

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my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever
psalm 73:26 | via 

bleeding [living] red

blood 

is the powerful liquid

that courses through our bodies.

we say without it we wouldn't be alive,

and perhaps that's why I love the color red so much. 

it means life. 

it's bold and unforgiving in being 

itself.

it doesn't worry about what it should be,

or if it looks good as other colors,

it just is.

fearlessly being the color that some people

hate

and other's

love.

<3 Eva

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I can't think of any better representation of beauty than
someone who is unafraid to be herself.
-Emma Stone | via

that someday - is now

this is the day that we talked about for 

so long.

these are the moments that we would dream about and plan

so thoughtfully.

I wonder what my 15 year old self would think

of 19 year old me. 

she would probably be impressed, perhaps jealous.

she would probably think that she has no problems, 

that she's healthy and never has bad days.

but it couldn't be farther from the truth.

yes, 19 me is in a much better place mentally;

and she's fulfilling one dream after another,

but she still has bad days.

she still trips and falls and has questions that never seem to have 

answers.

she still stays up late and thinks deep thoughts.

she still cries on a dime and finds faults with herself.

and you know what?

I'm fine with that.

I'm happy. happier than I've ever been.

because with every struggle there's a blessing to count.

and with every unanswered question, late night, and bad day,

there's my God welcomes me with open arms.

I want to live for what I've been given.

I don't want to perpetually live in the future wishing I could see what it holds.

I want to live in the now, where I'm happy and thriving.

because young me would be excited to someday reach the stage 

I'm in now. 

<3 Eva

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but it was Jesus who taught me there was
nothing I could really lose if I had Him
-unknown | via

ashes & angst

what have we here?

teenage angst?

just when we thought it was over.

but perhaps I don't want it to be over.

as painful as it can be, 

I always learn from it.

with each little [big] lesson I learn,

a part of me dies;

and in place of it, a new part grows.

like a beautiful daisy amongst the 

ashes.

and each year I look back and see how each part of me

has changed,

flower by flower,

into a new person.

<3 Eva

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it hurt because it mattered
-john green | via

faithful old friend

hello little blog,

I've missed talking to you.

you used to be my constant companion.

through every heartache,

every revelation,

you were here:

waiting.

you let me scribble my words across your white pages,

not asking for an explanation 

or telling me I was overthinking it.

I could be honest with you,

because there was no fear in what your response would be:

it was forever and always a comforting silence.

that silence got me through a lot.

no matter what was on my heart I could spill it all, 

and end up at the feet of my Savior.

His peaceful embrace that followed was what made it 

worth it.

I get a little choked up seeing how far I've come.

I no longer come to you with tears and confusion,

but with joy and excitement.

I'll never forget how you let me see the Light in life

by simply being 

silent.

I hope you'll let me continue to use you for my thoughts,

to work them out and always,

forever,

be led back to Jesus.

<3 Eva

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focus on Jesus. love others. speak hope.
-unknown | via

love

give me love in all its glory,

a glorious love.

but at the end of the day,

at the end of my life,

give me an honest love.

one that is simple,

but complicated. 

one that radiates love for Christ.

one that is content with being common

and plain,

yet in the end 

outshines the rest. 

<3 Eva

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'we rise by lifting others'
unknown | via

awkwardly raw

I appreciate rawness.

raw art,

raw emotion,

raw passion.

But while that's all nice and well,

it's one thing to say it and another

to actually appreciate it.

I've learned over the past year that there are times when rawness is painful;

when it's not easy to love and even harder to appreciate.

I catch myself turning a blind eye to things; considering them awkward instead of raw.

Which is true, awkwardness and rawness are often interchangeable.

We have to choose to view them as raw and beautiful instead of awkward and ugly.

The reason I'm going on this tangent is because I recently attempted a podcast.

"attempted" is the key word here.

I've had a lot of thoughts lately on the subject of body image and self-love,

especially after having a conversation with a friend on these topics,

and I wanted to write a blog post about it.

However, I've been swamped with the life of work and college and I haven't had a moments chance to write it all down.

Cue the podcast.

One time on the drive home I turned on the podcast recording and just started talking.

It's awkward, it's raw.

There's no music, no smooth introduction or thought-out plan of attack. There are awkward silences as I turn the corner, you can hear my blinker, and I probably lost my train of thought at one point.

It's just me talking in the dark about something that's been on my mind.

I debated for a long time whether I should share it or not.

I thought maybe I should re-record it; maybe I should try fixing it up with cuts and music.

But then I told myself "no"

I've striven so many times for things be "perfectly raw"

that maybe it's time for "awkwardly raw"

So here's my podcast,

cringe if you may, but know

it comes from my heart.

<3 Eva

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"Don't believe in your strength, believe in His strength."
-Eva | via