Wow, summer has flown. And yet.. it hasn't.
This summer has been filled with emotions ranging from discontentment and boredom, to anger and frustration. While everyone else's summer has been packed with business, things to do and places to go, mine has been extremely slow. For the most part I have been reading, drawing, and pinteresting. (yes that's a thing) But lets face it.. that gets pretty boring after awhile.
My personality is such that when I'm bored and have nothing to do I get really depressed. So most of July was really hard for me. I was depressed and I had emotions suffocating me that confused me as well. As I realized that I was depressed I got upset at myself for being that way, and as a result I got even more depressed. I tried to pull myself out of it but failed because I was trying to do it on my own. The current of my flesh just pulled me under and the more I flailed the faster I sunk. I was drowning and I knew it.
Near the end of July we went out of town for three days up to my grandparents house. On one of
those three days we were able to visit my Uncle's cabin he owned up along a river. Relaxing out my home town and seeing God's creation and the beauty of it all worked wonders for me. God showed me that I was being selfish, I was upset that everyone was having a good time and I was jealous. I wasn't content with the beauty in my own life and longed for the beauty in others. I was focusing on myself - flesh had taken top priority and I simply turned to it for help with I was struggling. Once God showed me that I confessed the sin that was right in front of me, I turned and asked God for help knowing that without him I would continue drowning.
The week after we returned was a slow recovering for me. I often lapsed back into depression, but looking to God and realizing my flesh was taking priority would pull me out of the dark.
I'm enjoy the last couple weeks of summer - this past weekend was busy and this coming week is surprisingly filled with visits with friends. The local fair is in a couple weeks and with excitement my friends and I are planning the all day trip we will be making to visit it. Instead of wallowing in self-pity I'm striving to strengthen relationships with the people around me, enjoy the beauty of the world and love every minute that I have to be alive.
Then September comes: I'm starting my Senior year of High School, since I'm graduating a year early, and will be busy with studying and practicing piano. Come June I will be having a Senior Piano Recital so I will be very busy preparing for that. In my free time I will be checking books off my book list, practicing drawing, hopefully blogging and writing, learning to cook better, and getting to know better the people God has placed in my life.
Also in the next coming school year I will be taking a couple Computer Programing classes, in hopes to confirm that the desire I have for becoming a Computer Programer is real. If it is I will possibly be starting college next fall. Don't tell that's crazy because I already know that.
I'm excited to have a purpose, something I have been lacking this summer. I now know that depression is something that I will always have to work on, and emotions are my life. But right now I have fought the fight and though I'm slightly broken I have victory over my flesh. And through Jesus Christ I will win again and again.
And like Earnest Hemmingway said: We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
-Eva
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